Barely Controlled Chaos (and the Gift of Quiet)
Let me define what a youth group means to me. It is a specified amount of time to be comfortable in a space within the church. It is a chance for kids of all ages to find comfort at church and to connect with peers and trusted adults. It’s a time to learn a lot about grace and being accepted.
I have been leading youth groups for more than 20 years. Depending on the age of the participants and the mood of the day, they might be loud and obnoxious. They might involve spirited conversations. Some days they are more laid back. They always involve food and games. In many of the groups there will be spiritual conversations. Some groups are specific to faith topics.
I have often had neurodiverse kids in our groups. It was wonderful to watch kids adjust energy and old habits to accommodate others. Kids seem to be able to do this instinctively. I appreciate that and learned a lot from them.
I have been in my current position for 3 years. This will be the 4th year of our youth group FOG (Full of Grace). We are together after confirmation classes on Wednesday evenings. The first two years went very well. I have tried a number of games to play, but eventually, the numbers grew. Playing most board games is difficult with 14 or more kids. So we mostly play sardines. Or we play Pictionary. Both games are loud and crazy! Everything we do is loud and crazy. I call it “barely controlled chaos”. After sitting in school for 7 hours, then confirmation class for an hour, it’s tough to expect much more from middle schoolers.
Towards the end of last year, I noticed two young ladies in particular. One was attached to me, withdrawn and needed to be on her phone to regulate. She stayed with me at all times. She was obviously overwhelmed. The other simply started bringing her homework to work on in the sanctuary while mom practiced with the choir. Both were longing for belonging and they both wanted to be part of the group, but were uncertain how to protect themselves. Overstimulation is serious. I get that! So, I tried to think of ways to accommodate them as well as others who just need down time.
Welcome to “quiet youth group”. The idea is that kids are always welcome, but they never have to stay. Each Wednesday evening, they can choose either group and they can move between the two on any given evening or any given day.
I have created a sign up for adults (with a background check completed) who would like to help.
Week one, only one girl stayed. They went to collect drawing paper and tools. I now make sure to have some easily accessible. Week two, there were four students. From what I heard, it was not always “quiet” per se, but certainly more quiet than the games the others were playing! There was some great discussion and some giggles! We are now at 5 to 6 consistent students. The adults are loving the conversations and the kids are bringing me gifts from their time together. The kids feel cared for and are enjoying their time together.
For me, as a youth leader, as a human being, it’s important to “see” kids and figure out what kind of space they need. I have some kids who want nothing more than to play in the gym. Others want to sit and chat. I rarely tell kids what we are doing before they get here. I want to encourage them to attend. I will have an activity or project planned, but I am always willing to adjust things as needed. The art project might not take all of the allotted time, or kids might get bored of the game we are playing. Part of what they experience is understanding that everyone has different joys, different energy levels. And we can all learn from each other to cooperate and enjoy the company we are with.
Patty Koplitz
Children, Youth and Family Director
Our Savior's Lutheran Church, Neenah